Family Dynamics and the Adult Daughter

A few of the questions on "What to Write" (and, yes, I'm still asking =) were about what exactly it looks like to have an adult daughter at home. A sample of one from many, this from Leanna: 

I would love to know how you are handling those "becoming an adult"  years while still living at home under your parents' authority. My sister and I (22 and 19) are struggling with the balance between being responsible and doing more for ourselves, while still being daughters at home and needing permission/protection and not growing to independent. I liked your "Ways to Stay Joyful at Home" posts, but I was thinking more of the battle of wanting to grow up but not disrespect your parents, rather than the what-do-I-do-at-home topic, if that makes sense. 

Now, for my most popular disclaimer: I am only nineteen, so, quite technically, I haven't been an adult daughter for long. =) Beyond that, everyone's household is different. As with the what-do-I-do-at-home topic, what we do from day to day is going to vary from family to family; similarly, family dynamics are going to be different from household to household. However, I can give a little bit of advice from what I've learned about being a competent woman who is still under authority. 

• Give your parents your heart. 
  

Proverbs 23:26 is a beautiful verse. "My son, give me your heart, and let your eyes observe my ways." We are commanded in God's Word to honor and obey our parents (Ephesians 6:1), not because they're perfect, or because they know everything, but because our God is a God of order, and if the family unit is going to work smoothly and effectively for the kingdom, all of the little nuts and bolts need to be moving in the same direction. Our parents need to have our hearts, to know that we're fully invested in our God-given role, and that we're all working towards the same goal. Otherwise, we can forget living effectively at home -in fact, we may as well forget even trying to live peaceably with them! The first step to living in harmony at home is to trust your parents as the God-given authorities that they are -despite their faults -and to determine that you will live alongside them and learn everything that you can during this season in your life. Once that determination is made, I promise, you will see your home life in a different light. 

• Keep the lines of communication open.
  

I don't know about you, but my life is much easier when my parents offer me clear-cut directives and spell out their expectations of me. Blessedly for me, I have parents who do just that. Daughters, there's nothing better you can do to improve your home life than to learn to communicate with your parents in a sensible, understanding way. It cuts down on confusion and exasperation (Ephesians 6:1-4). We aren't robots; our parents don't stick a coin in our slot every morning and expect us to walk through our days on auto. We have to communicate. What do your parents expect from you on a day-to-day, week-to-week, month-to-month basis? Something as simple as, "Jasmine, when you do such-and-such a thing, I don't like it -stop" (in much kinder, more biblically grounded terms =) gives me something to go on. Something like, "Jasmine, by the end of the week, I want this done" or "Jasmine, it would really help us out if, every day, you did these chores" sets clear boundaries. I don't make plans that infringe on the expectations my parents already have for me on a given day, for instance, and because we communicate about what exactly those expectations are, no one has to become frustrated if they aren't met. When your parents give you a directive you don't understand or don't agree with, learn to ask polite, respectful follow-up questions, and to make a gentle, biblical appeal when necessary. I love to talk to my mom for hours on end; I keep her up late when Daddy and Trey go out of town (I bunk with my mom whenever they go out of town -yes still. =) Daddy likes to tease me about it when he comes home by rounding up my things: "Party's over." =) But, for those of you who aren't used to talking to your parents frankly and openly, listen to me: your parents love you. They want to hear from you. And trust me, in most cases, they don't bite. =)

• When you're at an impasse, learn to submit. 
  

This one's hard, but if you keep those lines of communications open, you're bound to hear some correction from your parents. If you've made a conscious choice to live under the authority of your parents after high school, then know this: as an adult daughter, you are going to have to learn how to submit your will to the will of your parents. When I was a younger teen, the very word submit made my skin crawl -I wanted to be my own woman! But I had to learn that the authorities God had placed in my life weren't a punishment, but a blessing; my family and I were a team, and we all played in different positions, and were shooting for the same goal. Sometimes, daughters, you have to "take one for the team," so to speak, swallowing your pride, and trying to see things from a different perspective -every hill is not a hill to die on. Learning to submit now will make it much simpler to do once you're married... or so I'm told. =)

• Don't spend your discontent moments daydreaming about married life. 
  

It happens to all of us. We become discontent and harried and look out over that pile of dirty dishes and sigh about the day when you'll be able to be supper on the table for the man of your dreams -when there's a guy in your life who needs you, not just to change his diaper or to freed him is applesauce. =) But, as we've talked about before, sowing habits of discontentment has two negative results. First, it takes our sights off of the here and now, and sucks the industry and joy out of today's service. Second, it becomes a part of our character that is sure to hinder us later in life. 

• Don't try to find that loophole.

"My parents are too strict" or "my parents are too lax" or "my parents and I don't agree about this and that" are all excuses that I've heard. The fact of the matter is, our parents are fallible flesh and blood, as are we: our parents are going to be wrong. We are going to disagree with our parents. But when we have a godly mom and dad striving to lead us in the ways of the Lord, the last thing we should be doing is nitpicking; we should be submitting to them joyfully, acknowledging their errors, and perhaps making note of things not to do in our future lives, but still learning all we can from people who can teach us so much by sheer nature of having lived so much longer than we have, and, beyond that, for many of us, because of our mutual love for the Lord. He gave you the parents he did for a reason; instead of complain, obey them -you will find the reason. 

• If you want to be treated like an adult, act like an adult.

How does one act like an adult? Not by false displays of bravado and independence, but by responsibility, accountability, trustworthiness, and discernment. If you find your mother telling you to do something five times, don't automatically rattle of, "I'm not a kid anymore, Mom!" Think, Does she tell me to do that 12 times because I have a tendency to hesitate or forget when she just tells me one? Is that something I should work on? If your dad says, "You know, when you act like that, it's not very attractive, sweetheart; I love to see you behaving a bit more graciously." Don't immediately snap, "This is just the way I am, Dad, take it or leave it!" Think, Gracious. All right, that's a word I need to think about. Am I acting graciously -is my manner pleasing to the Lord and a delight to my parents right now, or is it abrasive? How can I work on that? When you're given a new responsibility, don't complain; an adult takes on responsibility with competence and worthiness, not wining -rise to the occasion. When you do something wrong, take responsibility; don't blame it on anyone else. Fall on the sword, apologize, and make a note to do better next time. Show true repentance and growth; adults make mistakes, but they shouldn't respond in the same way children do -they should grow from them. 

• Set measurable goals. 

Make your time spent at home full of activity and growth. You need to be doing something productive throughout the week, and you need to have at least one long-term project going. Don't sit at home spinning your wheels; an idling daughter is not an actively learning daughter. Communicate with your parents about something you could be doing on a weekly basis that blesses the body of Christ; talk to your parents about something you can do long-term that will build character, perhaps even bring in some income. I find that busy hands are happy hands; an active mind is a mind at peace. If you set goals that don't include getting married in the next six months -goals we can actually accomplish -as you see progress, I guarantee, your whole attitude will be different; there's nothing like feeling capable and having a direction. 

And, as an aside, even for you young ladies who aren't planning on staying home after graduation: learn all you can from your parents now by following these principles. Whether you want to be an astronaut, a lion tamer, or a trapeze artist, the Christian home is a training ground for building character that will be foundational to whatever your life's aspirations happen to be. Even if you don't live with your parents, show them honor and deference, and when they make an effort to disciple you, submit to that teaching with gratitude: what an amazing thing to have parents who care enough for you and who take their God-given responsibility seriously enough to display that care through the imparting of God's Word. It's something we too often take for granted. 

For daughters with less-than-perfect parents: newsflash, they're all less than perfect... except mine... All right, mine too. =) Seriously, if your parents are non-believers, for instance, you can still respectfully disagree with some aspects of their lifestyle while learning from them. My own parents have experienced that; they didn't have the privilege of growing up in a biblically-functioning family like I do, but they can still utter wise proverbs that their parents taught them (even though, in one parent's case, those parents were rarely around, and, in another parent's case, that parent was a practicing Buddhist), and can still draw lessons from the lives of those that are older and wiser than they. 

If, you have a doctrinal dispute with your parents, may I humbly suggest that you go before the Lord in prayer, and steep yourself in his Word instead of entering into fruitless arguments with your family members? I know of Calvinist daughters with Arminian daddies, and Arminian daughters with Calvinist daddies; though the lines of communication should always be open, learn when to stop talking and to let God finish the work in someone's heart, and do what he's called you to do: pray. That goes for any dispute; unless your parents are asking you to do something blatantly contrary to God's Word, submit joyfully.

Growing pains are inevitable -I'm sure we can all attest to the truth of that statement. But, by God's grace, those tinges of growing pains can lead to the ripe fruit of righteousness, and we may find that we're tending to act more adultlike every day without even realizing it.