Joyfully Content ~Part Three

We interrupt our scheduled programming... After thinking of the order of the Joyfully Content series, I decided to swap part three and part four; so today, instead of posting about how a false perception of singleness can cause discontentment, I decided to post about how a false view of self can cause discontentment. It's almost "Part B" of the false view of husbands post.

My favorite president is Calvin Coolidge. Aside from his approach to politics, I love how his personality is often described: "Silent Cal" was a man of few words, wise and reflective, calm and calculating. I love the story his wife Grace often told of a young woman who sat next to President Coolidge at a dinner party and remarked that she'd just bet that she could get him to say three words before the evening was out. Without glancing in her direction, the president coolly responded, "You lose." Mm hm. Silent Cal was my kind of man. And Grace Anna was my kind of woman. Charming, vivacious, and outgoing, she was the perfect balance to her introverted husband. As a natural extrovert, I always plotted on marrying a reserved man, with still waters that ran deep, with depths that few people got to plunge. Dry humored. Quick witted. Decisive.

Until I got a little older and got to know enough young men to realize that some of the quietest guys I knew were the most arrogant. They weren't quiet because they understood the merits of Proverbs 10:19 --they were quiet because they felt that whatever company they endured was graced by the sheer nature of their powerful presence. They were distant, not because of shyness and humility, but because of pride that kept them from wanting to talk to peons (a.k.a., we regular folk). Yes. I do sound bitter. You're not imagining it.

All right then. I decided I'd marry someone talkative and gay. Warm. Accessible. Jovial. A real people person, the type of guy that never met a stranger. In fact, I couldn't believe I ever wanted to marry an aloof man -I hated those guys! But then, those buoyant, talkative types... couldn't they get old, too, what with sticking their feet in their mouths sometimes, or talking through the moments that ought to be silent? Perhaps not being taken as seriously? Poor, conflicted me. Poor young men, whose personality types had been shoved into two narrow boxes. I now find it comical to imagine that my future husband -a Silent Cal, perhaps -is crying out to the Lord, "Please don't send me a drama queen, God! Anything but that!" Little does he know...

Oftentimes, when I hear young women speaking about what types of men they'd like to marry, they don't talk about the type of personalities that would challenge and grow them... they talk about the type of personalities that they'd fancy. Much like myself, when I was debating over whether I wanted to marry Silent Cal or Chatty Cathy, their view about marriage wasn't towards sanctification or growth at all. It was focused on what I'd like, what would balance me, what would make me comfortable, what I wouldn't need to change for.

For instance, I always prayed for a man who could tolerate the fact that I am extremely emotional. But I never considered mortifying the sin that was a lack of self-control on my part. I prayed for someone whose laid back personality balanced out my perfectionism. I never thought to mortify the sin of pride in my life. I prayed for a decisive man because I grow impatient with visionaries who are juggling fifteen ideas at once. I never once thought to pray for patience or a submissiveness that would teach me to ride the roller-coaster of being married to a visionary man.

And so on and so forth.

I believe that, many times, we young women become discontent in singleness because we get tired of our sin natures. We chalk up every frustration we have in our lives now, and imagine that marriage will reverse that frustration. This is somewhat linked to our false view of husbands, yes, but I believe it goes much deeper than that: we have a false view of ourselves. We tend to view marriage and men as something we can throw together on an assembly line -I'm this way, so he'll be that way -I like this, so he'll do that -I don't like this about my life, so when I'm married, life will be this way... And if we can get the perfect combination, the sins we struggle with in singleness will vanish in the light of love, compatibility, and planning. Because everyone knows that the sins we struggle with now aren't our faults --they're caused by our surroundings. A change of pace would eradicate them completely, yes?

In doing so, we miss the big picture: marriage entails sanctification. Which means that while, in a sense, your husband might be the corresponding half that will make you whole (look at me, waxing all poetic), we can't expect the pieces to fit together perfectly, because we're flawed human beings who, in every season of our lives, will experience trials that will drive us to the cross. If our marriage could remedy every sin and discontent in our lives, we wouldn't need the gospel. Marriage does not bring automatic righteousness. We will not suddenly wake up one morning manifesting the fruit of the spirit, just because we've said our wedding vows. Growth and character are things that we can pursue right now, in singleness, and things that we should be pursuing. And pursuing them will keep us so very busy that we will have little time to pine over Prince Charming knocking on our doors. In fact, pursuing them will make us much more capable and realistic wives if Prince Charming should come around.

(As an aside, two book recommendations for mortifying besetting sins: The Mortification of Sin by John Owen is the first. It's a Puritan classic. Beware: even in its simplified form, it can be a laborious read, but the strain is definitely worth it. For a modern take on the subject, The Enemy Within by Kris Lungaard is an excellent read.)

Instead of pinning all of our hopes on marriage "fixing" us, we single girls would do well to wrestle with our sins in the here and now, building character that will benefit us should we remain single or should we marry. I am not suggesting that there isn't a level of compatibility that needs to be in place before two people decide on marriage (if he doesn't laugh at my jokes, we can't be an item -that's just that), but those wiser than we are can help us to navigate the difficult waters of expecting marriage to hide our sin natures and really, truly seeking the Lord's will in finding the man to whom you are best suited to be a helper suitable.

I don't now if I will marry the strong, silent type, or the jovial, outgoing type. I don't know if he'll be a visionary who is always spinning in ten different directions at once, or the type of man who has the same, steady vocation until he dies. And, you know what? I don't think it matters much. I have no idea if I'll marry at all. But here's what I do know: if I marry a man who loves the Lord, and who loves me, as I endeavor to love him in the sense that the Lord has called me to, I will grow in ways that are currently unfathomable. If I commit myself -right now, today -to submitting every area of my life to Christ, and to prayerfully trusting in his will as he allows me to grow in grace, it will make me better able to do so once I am married, or a better ambassador for him as I remain single.

That sounds like a win-win to me. Instead of waiting for marriage to straighten us out, let's endeavor to seek the Lord's will now as he grows and matures us, by his grace. Single or married, it's something we all need to do! The gospel is the only "cure-all" there is -I'm so grateful we serve a sovereign King who will bring the work to completion (Philippians 1:6). I want to be a gospel-focused single -I would like to be a gospel-focused wife. The time to start is now.

Click here for the introduction to the Joyfully Content series, here for Part One, here for Part Two, and check back on Monday for Part Three: How a better view of singleness can help us in staying joyfully content. I've been a little bit of a Negative Nellie thus far, but hang in there with me --this next part is my favorite!


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